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What A Life Coach Can Do for You

Thursday, January 18th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
What is a life coach and how do I know if I need or want one?

What I do as a life coach is help my clients recognize and let go of the sabotaging thoughts and behaviors that have undermined their success, joy, and intimacy. We all have sabotaging thoughts and behaviors; sometimes it takes someone else to help us see them and to believe in us more than we believe in ourselves. So I’m also an energetic cheerleader and true believer. I will often see the possibilities for a client’s future before he or she can. My job is to inspire each person I work with to create an extraordinary vision and to become adept with the tools to create that vision.

Some life coaches specialize; however, I find that trying to draw the line between personal and professional issues feels arbitrary and artificial. The issues you have—whether it’s a fear of rejection, a self-judgment that you’re not good enough, or a belief that you’ll never be happy—won’t impact just part of your life; you will experience it everywhere.

By healing fear, self-judgment, and limiting beliefs, you will shift both personally and professionally. Your self-esteem will grow and your relationships with colleagues, friends, and family will feel healthier and deeper.

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:dear jane, Jane Straus, life coach, limiting beliefs, self sabotage, self-esteem, self-judgment
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Feeling Taken Advantage Of

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I let go of my feelings of being taken advantage of with regard to my salary?

When we feel taken advantage of, we are generally describing resentment. Resentment gets a grip on us if we haven’t acted on our own behalf in some way. (See Chapter 7 of Enough Is Enough!) Often, we need to speak up for ourselves by asking for what we think we deserve. However, this is where our fear of rejection may play into things.

What if we ask for a raise or attention or affection and we’re turned down? We may “play it safe” to avoid even the possibility of rejection. The problem with avoiding rejection is that we continually imagine the rejection so we’re living with it 24/7 anyway.

The saying, “We get what we resist,” has much truth to it. If we resist feeling rejection, we will inadvertently immerse ourselves in it. If we resist asking for what we think we deserve, we will immerse ourselves in not only anticipated rejection but also resentment. There is no way out; there is only a way through—and that is to have the courage to speak up for ourselves.

Even if we are rejected for asking for what we feel we deserve, we will have the self-respect that goes with acting with integrity. No one can give us our self-respect and integrity and no one can take them from us. They are gifts to ourselves. Don’t you deserve at least that?

Tags:dear jane, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, money, resentment
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How to Forgive and Let Go

Monday, January 15th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I forgive some family members for what they have done to me? I hate going to family events and skip the ones I can.

Often, we attempt to forgive because it would be more convenient for everyone concerned if we just hurried up and did it. Forgiveness, however, is a four-step process. In order to do it well and thoroughly, we don’t want to skip a step.

Step One: Acknowledge the wrong(s) done to you. Don’t sweep anything under the rug. Don’t minimize the transgressions.

Step Two: Give yourself compassion for the anger, betrayal, and hurt that accompany telling the truth to yourself. This is the step you really can’t rush. It may take a day to work through these feelings but, more likely, if you have ignored your feelings up until now or shamed yourself for having them, you will need time to honor the pain. How much time? You can’t put a stopwatch to your feelings. We tend to become stuck in feelings when we try to push them away, not when we give them their due. If you want to forgive others, have a pity party first, which is something I talk about in Enough Is Enough!

Step Three: Forgive yourself for any situation where you have not been your own best ally. Maybe you didn’t speak up when a family member was demeaning or insulting you. Maybe you cried when you wish you had said “Stop.” Maybe you even defended or excused their behavior by thinking, “Well, Aunt Mary was drunk when she said that so I can’t hold it against her.” Forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself.

Step Four: Notice what happens next. By doing the first three steps, you will feel less triggered by the transgressions. You won’t forget them; your Spirit just won’t feel a need to remind you that you have more healing work to do. If you are still upset by what someone has done to you, keep doing the first three steps. There may be more layers to the healing your Spirit requires.

Tags:dear jane, family, forgiveness, healing childhood wounds, healing process, Jane Straus, letting go
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How to Become Rich

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I get rich?

When this question was sent to me, I thought I’d pass on answering since 1) by American standards, I am middle class and 2) I am not a financial expert, although many of my clients have attained great wealth through our work together and by reading Enough Is Enough! But I’m just avoiding the question by giving you these disclaimers. So, here are my thoughts.
Decide what “rich” means for you. Is it a certain amount of money, a particular lifestyle, the ability to send your children to college, the guarantee that you’ll never need to look for a job, a yacht, a bigger yacht? Is it having a loving family, good friends? Does “rich” mean being able to be generous without having to blink? All of the above? If you decide on your definition and purpose, you are much more likely to find the drive and means to attain your goals.
Read books by experts on creating wealth. Knowledge is power. It is also motivating. I think that Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker is brilliant. Whether you decide to follow his recommendations or not, he will not let you off the hook about taking responsibility for your choices.
What are your limiting beliefs? What are some of the “poverty” thoughts you hold? Where did you get them? How do you perpetuate them? Do you believe you deserve any more than what you currently have? Would you be ashamed if you had more? Do you get something out of feeling like a victim of struggle?
Practice generosity, kindness, open-heartedness, and compassion. What do these have to do with wealth? Maybe nothing. There are many wealthy people who practice none of these. And there are many middle class and poor people who also practice none of these. So I throw them in for good measure. If you’re going to get rich, I ask you to consider enriching others’ lives in the process.

Tags:abundance, dear jane, deserve, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, manifesting, money, secrets of the millionaire mind, t. harv eker, wealth
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Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection

Wednesday, January 10th, 2007

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I have suffered with a paralyzing fear of rejection for most of my life. This leaves me unable to be as assertive in my private and professional life as I would like to be, and sometimes it is crippling. Intellectually I know I shouldn’t be so worried about what other people think, but the feelings are still there. How do I overcome this irrational feeling?

When you have a fear that is irrational, you can’t sit by the sidelines figuring it out. You need to take small steps towards your fear. What kinds of situations make you worry about rejection? List these. Then put them in order from least fearful to most fearful. Start with your least paralyzing situation and think of one action step you are willing to take that addresses the fear rather than letting it run you. When you have accomplished this, reward yourself in some way. Then take the next small step.

For example, if you are afraid to attend work-related parties but that isn’t as frightening as giving a talk in front of your colleagues, pick that one. You could go to the party with a friend. You could give yourself permission to leave after an hour if you’re not enjoying it. You could promise yourself you will talk to at least two or three people.

If you still feel crippled, speak with your doctor. There are medications for crippling social disorders. No matter what action you take, acknowledge yourself for your courage. What others may find easy is not easy for you. So give yourself credit for your efforts and remember to reward yourself.

To listen to my teleseminar or interview answering these types of questions, click http://blogtalkradio.com/hostpage.aspx?show_id=7364 or http://cherylmclaughlin.com/AskJaneStraus/vbtv3/replay

Tags:coping strategies, dear jane, fear of rejection, healing process, Jane Straus
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Protecting a Child from Family Members

Tuesday, January 9th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
My mother and I have not spoken for several years. I have no desire to reestablish a relationship with her, but I recently had a daughter of my own (she’s 3 months old) and I don’t think it’s fair to her to not know one of her grandparents. (She does spend time with my father.) I have legitimate concerns for the well being of my daughter spending time alone with my mom and stepfather, but feel I should give her the opportunity to establish a good relationship with them if it is possible. Should I wait until she’s older? How long is that?

It is time to transition from being your mother’s daughter to being your daughter’s mother. If you choose your mother over your daughter, would you perhaps be reenacting whatever betrayal you suffered? If you have legitimate concerns, why would you consider putting your daughter at risk in exchange for the hope that something won’t happen?

It sounds as though you haven’t really fully acknowledged the severity of whatever occurred that caused you to sever your relationship with your mother. In my experience, children don’t break off a relationship with a parent unless they have strong reason to do so. In Enough Is Enough, I address the importance of acknowledging the wrongs that were done to us so that we don’t re-create the same situation for our children and so that we can forgive at a deeper level.

You say you have no desire to reestablish a relationship with your mother. If that is the case, then let it go for now. Or see if you and your mother can work on your relationship with professional help. But do not use your daughter as a “peace offering.” If you want your daughter to have contact with her grandparents, be there with her. Don’t put a time limit on this arrangement. You are responsible for your daughter’s safety and your loyalty belongs with her, not with your mother.

Tags:adult children, betrayal, dear jane, family, forgiveness, Jane Straus, mothers, parenting, relationship
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What Really Prevents You from an Extraordinary Life

Monday, January 8th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I am in love with a woman but she doesn’t love me. This prevents me from having an extraordinary life.

If you believe that someone else prevents you from leading a more extraordinary life, you are giving away your power, which will only fuel a belief that you are a victim. It is never someone else who stops us from manifesting our deepest truths and longings.
In Enough Is Enough!, I write extensively about how we choose our Acts in life—the thoughts and behaviors that cover up who we really are. The Victim Act is the most common because we can convince ourselves of it so easily. All of us know this one. Inevitably, it sounds like, “I can’t ____ because he/she ______.” It gives us an excuse to avoid responsibility and underlying fears.

Unfortunately, victim thinking also keeps us suffering unnecessarily. I encourage you to change your thought to, “I can ______ because I _______.” Say this ten times a day and within days, you will notice a subtle shift inside you. You will find ways to achieve your goals that were not apparent before. Ideas and opportunities will open up for you.

Free will is a powerful thing. If we give it up, we imprison ourselves. When we embrace it, we find that the key to our prison door has been in our pocket all along.

Tags:affirmations, dear jane, extraordinary life, Jane Straus, love, manifesting, self-talk, truth, victim-consciousness
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Clarity on Your Life Purpose

Saturday, January 6th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
What if you don’t know what your life purpose is? What if it appears to be many things, and it’s difficult to figure out? What if it is so powerful, it seems to have stopped you dead in your tracks for 50 years, living a safe life of symbols of success? What if it is fear of shame and humiliation at such a fundamental level that you have been frozen in time?

If you feel overwhelmed by figuring out your life’s purpose(s), you may be thinking too grandiosely, causing you to feel paralyzed by your dreams rather than motivated by them. We may procrastinate our lives away because the goals we set are too daunting. We become spiritually paralyzed, caught up in a vicious circle of wanting and inaction, wanting and inaction.

First, stop focusing on what stops you. We are all afraid, at some level, of fear and humiliation. Don’t let that be your excuse for suffering. Take one action step towards one of your dreams. If you wanted to be a writer, that would mean writing one page, beginning a journal, talking to another writer, or taking a class. When you take even one step towards your spirit’s longings, you are facing your fears with courage. So write down a few small steps towards one of your goals. Make a commitment to take one of these. Tell someone who is supportive that you are doing this.

The aspirations we hold most dear always require courage. Courage requires action. We can’t get rid of a fear simply by hoping it goes away. As I talk about in Enough Is Enough!, Chapter 5 “Break the Spell of Fear: Make Fear Your Ally,” we learn how to downsize fear by working with it, not avoiding it. So taking one step towards your spirit’s ideals makes a big difference. It shifts your attention, helps you face and shrink your fears, and offers you the opportunity to admire yourself more.

Tags:courage, dear jane, fear, Jane Straus, life purpose, procrastination, thought into action
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Strengthening Your Self-Esteem

Monday, January 1st, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How can I strengthen my so low self-esteem?

In my book, Enough Is Enough!, I talk about The Big Lie, which is the mistaken belief that we are unworthy. As long as we believe this lie, we will behave accordingly, encouraging others to also believe this lie. This is how a lie eventually takes on the appearance of truth.

First and foremost, you need to take responsibility for raising your self-esteem. If you rely solely on others, you are neglecting your own spirit and inviting others to do the same. Self-esteem is part of our spirit. It requires consistent attention and nurturing. Begin by writing your answers to the following questions:
1. What are some of my good qualities?
2. How have I been helpful to others?
3. What talents do I possess?

These will help remind you of your worthiness. The next step is to act on the answers. If you are a compassionate person, you may want to volunteer with an organization that could use your inherent kindness. If you are artistic, you can teach others, take a class, or make time every day to do your art.

In addition to acting on your qualities and talents, do an affirmation. I write in the book about creating powerful affirmations that will work for you. Here are some tips:
1. Create your affirmation in present time.
2. Write it down and post it someplace prominent like your bathroom mirror.
3. Say it daily and often.
4. Be willing to believe that it will become true when you stop defending The Big Lie.

You can increase your self-esteem. The only thing in the way is a belief that you don’t deserve to. You do deserve to. And, guess what? Everyone in your life will benefit from your commitment to yourself.
About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:dear jane, Jane Straus, low self esteem, powerful affirmations
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When Fear Holds You Back

Monday, January 1st, 2007

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Dear Jane,
I’m re-taking a short seminar and then starting my own business. But something is holding me back. I know it’s fear, but so what!

Good for you for recognizing that it’s fear and for not making excuses, which means you are ready to say “boo” back to fear. Here are a few suggestions you’ll find in my book, Enough is Enough!, in the chapter “Break the Spell of Fear: Make Fear Your Ally”:

1. Imagine your worst fear and blow it up even bigger. Now ask yourself if you could live with those consequences. If the answer is yes, you will probably feel the fear decrease instantly.
2. Whatever you are afraid of—failure, success, abandonment, loneliness, financial insecurity—imagine that you never even start what you have set out to do. Imagine you are at the end of your life lying in bed. Are you saying to yourself, “I’m so proud that I played it safe, that I never took the risk.” Or are you saying to yourself, “I wish I had taken the risk regardless of the outcome.” If the answer is the latter, don’t let fear control you. It will only lead to regret.
3. Decide ahead of time that, no matter what happens, you will hold your head up high for having had the courage to turn your dream into a reality.
4. Make a commitment to someone else that you will move forward with your plans. Sometimes committing to others helps keep us on track.
5. Talk to others in your line of work who have been through what you are facing. Their support and suggestions will be very meaningful.

Tags:courage, dear jane, failure success, fear, fear of failure, Jane Straus, regret, risks
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