resentment « Dear Jane Podcasts

Posts Tagged ‘resentment’

Feeling Taken Advantage Of

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

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Dear Jane,
How do I let go of my feelings of being taken advantage of with regard to my salary?

When we feel taken advantage of, we are generally describing resentment. Resentment gets a grip on us if we haven’t acted on our own behalf in some way. (See Chapter 7 of Enough Is Enough!) Often, we need to speak up for ourselves by asking for what we think we deserve. However, this is where our fear of rejection may play into things.

What if we ask for a raise or attention or affection and we’re turned down? We may “play it safe” to avoid even the possibility of rejection. The problem with avoiding rejection is that we continually imagine the rejection so we’re living with it 24/7 anyway.

The saying, “We get what we resist,” has much truth to it. If we resist feeling rejection, we will inadvertently immerse ourselves in it. If we resist asking for what we think we deserve, we will immerse ourselves in not only anticipated rejection but also resentment. There is no way out; there is only a way through—and that is to have the courage to speak up for ourselves.

Even if we are rejected for asking for what we feel we deserve, we will have the self-respect that goes with acting with integrity. No one can give us our self-respect and integrity and no one can take them from us. They are gifts to ourselves. Don’t you deserve at least that?

About Jane
Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming. She serves clients worldwide and invites you to visit her site, StopEnduring.com. Here you will find excerpts from her book, more articles, TV and radio interviews, and clips from her presentations.
She is also the author of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation, Grammarbook.com, an award-winning online resource and workbook with easy-to-understand rules, real-world examples, and fun quizzes.
Contact Jane at Jane@JaneStraus.com.

Tags:dear jane, fear of rejection, Jane Straus, money, resentment
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How to Commit to Yourself

Monday, December 25th, 2006

Dear Jane,
How do you commit to yourself as steadfastly as you commit to others?

When we are more committed to others’ well-being or happiness than to our own, we are suffering from low self-worth. Often, people who overcommit to others feel ashamed to even have needs or wants, accusing themselves of selfishness at every turn.

However, the flip side of this self-scorn is a buildup of resentment towards others. This resentment often overflows and spills out at the oddest moments, surprising not just the receiver but the giver.

The first thing you can do is recognize that this does not have to be an either/or world. Giving openheartedly to yourself does not have to exclude being generous with others. In fact, the more kindness and compassion we offer ourselves, the more kindness and compassion we have available for others.

So begin by questioning the authority of this either/or belief system. Be open to experiencing a life of both/and. “I can be both committed to myself and committed to others.” You will find lots of tips and some amazing stories in Enough Is Enough! to help you make this transition. And I promise that your life will begin to feel more extraordinary.

Tags:dear jane, generosity, giving, Jane Straus, limiting beliefs, low self esteem, resentment, self-love
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Healing Your Grief

Monday, December 25th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
Why do I feel so bogged down and sooo wrapped up with myself that it has become a physical thing? I feel like I have “cancer of the heart.” When will this sad, unrelenting “Why me? It’s not fair. I don’t deserve a divorce” mindset ever go away?

First of all, you are asking yourself the wrong questions, questions that set you up for staying in a rut because they are so self-judging.

Although I don’t know how long you have been feeling this unrelenting sadness, it is important to respect your grief. When you lose a relationship, whether it is to divorce or death, you have a right to grieve. Unpopular as grieving is, it is necessary to experience for as long as it’s there. The more you beat yourself up about grieving, the slower the healing process. Practice more compassion for yourself. You have lost something. You feel rejected. These feelings are hard enough without your shaming yourself for them.

Perhaps this divorce is also bringing up past loss or rejection. Or you may be experiencing clinical depression or Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome in addition to your grief. I encourage you to talk to a life coach or therapist to help assess your unique situation. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of your pain alone.

Read Chapter 6 of Enough Is Enough!, “Unchain Your Heart: Free Your Feelings” and also Chapter 7, “Take Off Your Armor: Heal Your Anger and Resentment.” Underneath your self-pity may be anger and resentment that need to see the light of day in order for you to get free. Please keep me posted.

Tags:dear jane, divorce, grief, healing process, Jane Straus, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd, rejection, resentment, self-judgment
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Bringing Humor and Laughter Back Into Your Life

Tuesday, December 19th, 2006

Dear Jane,
How can I bring back more humor and laughter into my life. I listen to my beautiful children laughing and having fun and long for this free spirit.

Maybe it would be helpful for you to find out when your joy seems to have “disappeared.”
1. What used to make you laugh or feel joy?
2. When did you stop feeling happy?
3. Is there something missing in your life?
4. Are you imitating the way it was in your home growing up? Were the children
happier than their parents?
5. Do you do too much for others or not enough for yourself?
6. What DO you feel, if not happiness and light heartedness?

If you are depressed, don’t hesitate to let your doctor know. There can be physical causes for depression and you don’t want to feel that you are failing when you may be struggling with body chemistry imbalances.

If resentment is overshadowing your joy, read Chapter 7 of Enough Is Enough! “Take Off Your Armor: Heal Your Anger and Resentment.” You will find a powerful exercise to get at any underlying regrets. Once you are in touch with your regrets, you will find it easier to forgive and make peace with yourself. This will get you back into feeling the joy you long to share with your children.

Tags:dear jane, depression, happiness, home, Jane Straus, joy, laughter, regret, resentment
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Letting Go of Seething Resentment

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

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Dear Jane,
I don’t know if it’s fair to say that I “suffer” from road rage but I do resent the way a lot of people drive. My children don’t like that I’m always cussing people out and I realize I’m not being a great role model of ‘live and let live.’ How can I get a handle on this seething resentment that seems to come out at strangers?

As much as you don’t want to feel resentful and angry, you need to see it as a clue. Underlying every resentment is a disguised regret. So resentment provides an opportunity to heal.
Here’s one brief example of how I worked with my own road rage: I was cutting it close getting to an appointment and, sure enough, a driver pulled out in front of me and then drove ever so slowly. I found myself seething with resentment as each tenth of a mile passed. Although I didn’t scream or honk, I thought, “You idiot. You’re making me late. If it weren’t for you, I would have gotten there on time.”
While this may be true, I was certainly not creating inner or outer peace as steam was coming out of my ears. So I forced myself to go deeper to examine what my regret might be. To my surprise, my regrets began to unfold in layers from superficial to visceral. They were:
I regret making someone else late because of me.
I regret cutting things so close and feeling stressed.
I regret acting as though I’m not important enough to leave enough time for things in my life.
I regret believing I’m not important enough.
That last one struck me hardest—in my heart and gut. I was sad about it but relieved too. It was a relief to know that I could go from cursing at a stranger on the road to learning that I still need practice valuing myself more.
Healing from resentment is always the same: Look for the deepest, truest regret, which will likely contain an old self-judgment. Forgive yourself for how you have treated yourself and/or others as a result of holding this self-judgment. Then give yourself compassion.

Tags:anger, dear jane, Jane Straus, regret, resentment, self-judgment, self-worth
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