The other day a friend of mine sent me a story told by Jack Kornfield, a Buddhist teacher and author whom I’ve been fortunate to hear on many occasions. While Jack focuses on forgiveness in this African ritual, I thought about its implications for “believing is seeing,” as I talk about in my book, Enough is Enough!
In The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace, Jack says: “In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”
How different is this tribal ritual from our culture’s tendency to think in terms of crime and punishment? When we focus on the negative in others or in ourselves, we lock ourselves into a vicious cycle of blame, shame, and diminished self-esteem. What can we do to get out of this painful rut?
We can question our beliefs. Beliefs are simply habits of thought and habits can be changed when we find sufficient reason to do so. What if, instead of crime and punishment, we consciously reminded ourselves and others, even or especially at times when mistakes are made, of our own/others’ good, generous, or courageous acts?
The next time someone in your life (your relationship, child, friend, colleague) does something that upsets you, what if you stop to think about their attributes and your many good experiences with them instead of adding up how many times they’ve done this same offensive behavior? What if you said, “Even though I’m hurt/angry about (the behavior), I still remember and think about how you (something good). What if, the next time you do something you are not proud of, you make amends but also choose to remember and list all your good points?
How important is it to consciously choose what we focus on? Remember, you are not the only one who will believe what you choose to see. Others’ self-perceptions are formed by our mirroring back to them who they are in our eyes. If you want loving, respectful relationships, mirror back positive messages about others’ capacities to be the people you wish them to perceive themselves to be.
When we choose our beliefs consciously and lovingly, we begin to see more of the good in others and in ourselves, creating a world that is more extraordinary—one thought at a time.
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